I don’t sympathize
with myself when I don’t get
a bit of work done.
I punish myself
with negative thoughts and hate
what I have become.
Moving back in with my parents last week has been incredibly hard to adjust to.
I have barely had a few moments alone besides late at night when everyone is sleeping and therefore haven’t been getting enough good sleep.
Worst thing: I have been paralyzed, feeling like I don’t have a thing to say, feeling like I am failing myself over and over again every day that I don’t reach toward my goals.
It makes me feel crazy.
How can I feel like I have nothing to say?
I have everything to say, I am just scared to say anything; I am just scared of everything.
Just start, just start, just start.
I have no sympathy for myself when the only thing that’s holding me back is me.
I stifle myself
every day to not let on
that I’m so fucked up.
And I’m not so sure that’s grammatically correct but I don’t care about much today.
I have an inkling
that it won’t be long until
I’m batshit crazy.
So, I’ve come home for a while.
Last night was my first night sleeping back in my old high school bedroom, tonight is the first night Elise is spending here, and so tomorrow morning is when we wake up and start our lives over again.
That’s what it feels like to me, anyway.
All moves involve some level of change and transformation, but this feels more significant because the only way I am getting out of here is by succeeding at what I want to do – make a living writing – and I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet.
I am fortunate to have this respite, I am even more fortunate to know that it’s temporary, and hopefully, within six months or less I’ll be moving in with a friend (actually, a friend’s mom), and knowing that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel here makes it much easier to bear.
This is my reboot and a second chance.
I have to admit, for the first time today, when I woke up this morning it wasn’t dread for the future that was dominating my mind.
Not everyone gets second chances, or third chances, or fourth chances.
So far, I’m one of the lucky ones.
nothing new on the
horizon; i need to go
on a vacation
“They” say it’s really important to have something to look forward to. I was listening to a podcast recently that mentioned what an integral part of a balanced, happy life it is to have a thing you’re excited about doing in the future. It keeps you looking forward, positively.
I need something to look forward to, but now I have to work my ass off to be able to afford it.
More on that later.