The Anniversary

The twelfth of January is always a rough day for me, a day that evokes a melancholy that I can’t shake after, well, decades.

I was snappish and quick, and mean to Elise.

I threw out bag after bag of PURGE from my basement – things I haven’t touched or barely touched in the year that I’ve been here, they’re going, they’re gone.

I wandered around my apartment staring at things and wondering what to do next, in literal and existential ways.

I wished for this day to be over, basically from the moment I woke up, so I’m going to put a new book on my Kindle (the one I borrowed last is just too depressing) and be thankful that this 1/12 came and went without a tear.

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i can still…

I was going to write about the reservations I have for the current path I’ve been going down when it comes to making money.

I don’t have a career, I don’t have a job, I don’t even feel like I have a legitimate side hustle at this point, but I have this thing I’ve been doing to make money lately, and it’s been web and graphic design.

And holy shit, I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do it for other people anymore, where the projects are big and the stakes are high.

Turns out for me (and I’ve known this a while now but never talk about it) I know that money isn’t worth this stress.

Holy shit, I’ve had some bad luck bullshit happen to me today.

And yet, why, when I come here and see “reservation” is the WordPress daily prompt, which I have been loving lately, because it actually gets me writing, when for some reason other things don’t… all I can think about is this song.

This song, and him. That man I loved and haven’t seen in a decade, and I still can’t stop thinking about him, and I still can’t get through a day without something dragging up a random memory of him, and in this case, it’s a song we both loved.

I see the word ‘reservation’ and think of the song Central Reservation, specifically the Ben Watts ‘Then Again’ remix of Beth Orton’s song. You can watch it on the YouTube here: https://youtu.be/_kFariNYX5M

… i can still taste you on my fingers and smell you on my breath… and today is whatever i want it to mean

Time, and life, is rough.