Lately on Medium

I should really set myself a schedule of when to update here what I have been writing over there, but I’ve been posting pretty much daily over there just like I’ve been over here and wouldn’t I be a bad blog friend if I didn’t promote my shit everywhere?

In reverse chronological order:

When He Asks How Long I’ve Loved Him – which is actually something I wrote years and years ago about a man I haven’t seen in almost ten years now, but I suppose it’s worth a read if you want to get me a little more than you ever did before.

Oh, December, Here We Go – in which I talk about goals for the month

I keep finding more words for Love – which is a poem I never thought I’d write all these years later, but I haven’t gotten laid in a long time so I guess my mind keeps gravitating to the sex I USED to have and the people I used to have it with.

“Had I really succeeded in anything else” in which I ruminate even more, as I often do, about why I feel like an unemployable failure but also channel JK Rowling’s hopes and dreams and determination to let rock bottom bring her back up again

Sleep is Not for the Weak – in which I talk about how I keep nodding off like an old lady, and also depression

and finally,

A little story about depression and sleep and how they go so great together. a locked story for Medium members (though non-members can read 3 free stories a month) in which I talk again, even more, about how depression affects my sleep, and how I’ve been feeling about some things in general.

I’ve been writing in two places every day for a week and have felt better about myself than I have in ages even though I’ve also felt worse than I have in ages. I am not really sure how to reconcile that at the moment, but I am going to keep on typing, because when I do, everything else drifts away.

Want to help me make a living writing? Or maybe just buy me a cup of coffee? That would be sweet. Thanks for reading, always.

Tenterhooks

sometimes i think
about hanging
swinging from a rope or
something easier like
a leather belt
and a doorknob
and really leaning in

sometimes i think
about drowning
about being the girl
who walks into the water
with rocks in her pockets
because wouldn’t that
be easier for everyone
maybe almost beautiful

sometimes i think
about car accidents
fires
shootings
or the sweet bliss of
a terminal cancer diagnosis

or maybe just
one fucking good reason
besides being a mother
to stay alive

i wait on tenterhooks
and when they say
it gets better
when they say hang on
because they don’t see
these hooks in my back
holding me up
i must turn away and
tune them out
because
how can you not see
these hooks in my back

how can you not see
that hanging on is
the strongest
bravest
most selfless thing
i have ever done

Who am I with and without all these things?

I went from calling myself a freelancing entrepreneur to actually being one so quickly, my head is still spinning.

I’ve always felt that imposter syndrome with my writing, but nothing like this.

This time the pressure is really on, because I am not just performing to say that I can, I’m actually hired to a job – multiple jobs actually, and I don’t necessarily think I’m doing my best yet.

I’ve been working very hard and for so long to remove from my life the things that I feel are holding me back and getting in my way. Most of those things are actually people, and over the years they’ve been dropping like flies.

And now, on top of that, I’m losing some of my best friends – by which I mean, I am not kicking them out of my life, they are just leaving, they’re moving away, and I’m wondering what I will be left with here when they’re all gone.

I’ll make new friends, sure.

I’ll reconnect with old ones, double sure.

But I think for a while it’s going to be really quiet around here, more quiet than usual, really, and a part of me looks forward to it as much as I dread falling into some dark place, some lost dark place.

So, I try not to think about any of that at all.

This is fine, I tell myself.

I’m designing an entire brand and website for an amazing new non-profit.

I’m making money writing (it’s pennies but I don’t care, it’s happening).

I’m writing another NaNoWriMo novel and I’m feeling very lucky this year.

I’m not giving up on homeschooling.

I’m not giving up on homeschooling.

I’m not giving up on homeschooling. 

This is fine. This is just a rambly, anxiety-ridden post that shouldn’t be shared, but it’s that National Blog Posting Month, too, so. Things to do. Commitments to make. Words to write.

Blah.